I once worked with a manager, let’s call her Sarah, who avoided conflict like the plague. She was warm, well liked, and genuinely cared about her team. The kind of manager who would bring in birthday cakes, remember your dog’s name, and check in if you sneezed twice. But she couldn’t bring herself to have tough conversations.

When one employee’s behaviour started impacting others, she rationalised it:

  • “He’s just stressed.”
  • “He means well.”
  • “I don’t want to upset him.”

Fast forward a few months and her best performer resigned, burnt out, disillusioned, and quietly frustrated that no one was dealing with the obvious issue. It was a hard lesson for Sarah, but it’s one I see all the time.

The truth about ‘nice’ leadership

Here is what I’ve learned after years of working with teams: what looks like kindness can sometimes be avoidance in disguise. Being ‘nice’ often feels easier in the moment; no confrontation, no tension, everyone leaves the meeting smiling. But that temporary comfort comes at a long-term cost.

When poor behaviour goes unchecked, it becomes permission. When good work goes unrecognised, it becomes resentment. And when leaders avoid accountability, the culture quietly redefines itself around what people can get away with.

Culture isn’t protected by being nice, it’s protected by being fair. Leadership isn’t about keeping everyone comfortable, it’s about creating clarity, safety, and consistency.

So, how do you balance empathy with accountability?

Finding the right balance between empathy and accountability is the sweet spot of real leadership. Here are a few practical tips when it comes to being human, but not hesitant.

Be kind in delivery, clear in message

Soft tone, firm words. You can be empathetic without diluting the message. Clarity is kindness, people deserve to know where they stand.

Focus on behaviour, not personality

Say, “I’ve noticed deadlines are being missed,” not “You’re unreliable.” It keeps the conversation focused on what can change.

Follow through, every time

Accountability without consistency breeds cynicism. If you say you’ll check in next week, do it. It builds trust and shows integrity.

Recognise effort and progress

Balance correction with recognition. People will accept feedback more openly when they feel seen for what they do right.

Don’t confuse discomfort with damage

Difficult conversations might make people uncomfortable, but avoidance is what causes real harm, to individuals and the team.

The real lesson

If you’re in leadership and feeling that tug-of-war between compassion and performance, that’s normal. It’s the tension every good leader feels. Your role isn’t to protect comfort; it’s to protect culture. And sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone is to help them face the truth – with empathy, honesty, and courage. Because real kindness doesn’t avoid the hard stuff, it walks into it, calmly, with respect.

Christine Howitz – Director

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